


Wytai

by Kiiyah



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Love, M/M, OT7, Suicide Attempt, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, jaebum is so far gone he's seeing hallucinations, maybe smut, questioning the world, questioning your life, there has to be some happiness, they actually weren't there till they caught him cutting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-17 16:20:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11855271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiiyah/pseuds/Kiiyah
Summary: Wytain. a feature of modern society that suddenly strikes you as absurd and grotesque...Or Jaebum feels like he's is becoming an unrecognizable person.





	1. Inferno

**Author's Note:**

> This is, wow, really hard to explain...just know you've never read Jaebum like this before(I don't think that's true, but oh well.)
> 
> There shouldn't be any mistakes, but if there is, forgive me. ^_^/

The window was cold and foggy when he pressed his hand to it. Today he was supposed go with Mark to do grocery shopping, but he wasn't feeling up to it.

 

In fact, Jaebum wasn't feeling the need to do anything. Something was off, but then again, wasn't it always?

 

It was 11 in the morning yet the sky blew a silvery gray, clouds pushing across the blue field as slow as Jaebum was moving his feet. The dorm was pretty occupied: Youngjae was relaxed on the recliner, reading some issue of some magazine he didn't really care about. Jackson and Bambam had their new Xbox on, even though he vaguely remembered telling them not to play so early in the morning last time-, oh what did it matter? They never listened to him in the first place.

 

Mark wasn't there, obviously since Jaebum still was. The eldest would've never left him behind, at least if Jaebum hadn't texted him earlier.

 

He streamlined past them, ignoring their looks of discontent when Bambam accidentally killed his character, causing Jackson to win for the umpteenth time. They played to much anyway, but even so, it was a welcome distraction for them, so he let it be.

 

Yugyeom stood with Jinyoung in the kitchen, the younger hunched over a steaming pot, while Jinyoung chopped vegetables like some professional chef. "Morning sleepy head~" Jinyoung chuckled, now sliding the vegetables into the pot. "Sorry, you missed breakfast, but if your hungry, I stored some leftovers in the fridge."

 

"I'm not hungry." Jaebum felt as dead as he probably looked, but that was totally normal too, since he looked like that everyday.

 

"Then at least drink some water? Or juice? We can't have you fainting on us. Not like last time." Yugyeom added, the blatant worry in his  saturating his tone.

 

Jaebum nodded, but by then, the two had seemingly refocused their efforts on- he sniffed- lunch, and turned their backs to him. He grabbed a small bottle of water from the fridge and headed back to his room, locking it for the solitude he knew was needed.

 

He was about to push his ear buds in when something striked him as odd. A mind-shifting epiphany of some sort.

 

Humans are the strangest things. If a person complains about something they don't like repeatedly, maybe it's because they choose not to do anything and end up keeping the situation as it is.

 

So ideally, if Jaebum didn't like to keep locking his door every time just to get some privacy, he should tell the people in this dorm to knock first instead of barging in. He shuddered at that, recalling a time when Yugyeom had walked right in, catching Jaebum with his pants down and private bits out. It was the most embarrassing moment of his life, and at least to him, it was never going to be lived down.

 

He started locking his door after that incident.

 

That wasn't even a current problem though. Recently, his stomach has been acting up whenever he ate meat, more specifically, chicken. Which was funny because in Korean culture, chicken was like a god meat. Everybody ate it. Even chickens ate themselves. That's how good it was.

 

Why did people eat meat anyway? Chicken, or any type of meat wasn't really good for you, but countless people still ate it. Jaebum once watched a video one time detailing all the places protein could be derived from. Hence the soup the two were making downstairs.

 

So what was his real problem then?

 

Was it the chicken, or lack of privacy? It was both; it was everything, or was it nothing?

 

Jaebum finally realized why he'd been feeling so strange. Pulling back the sleeve of his wrist, it was revealed to have several slice marks, each one cutting into the skin like a perfect set of parallel lines.

 

To tell the truth, he hadn't really been hungry the last several weeks. His muscle mass had been dwindling quickly, a long with his fat, if he did have any.

 

The entire dorm was actually quiet. There was never anyone there in the first place. They were all gone. Shopping maybe. Out eating, maybe. Without him, definitely.

 

Fuck the privacy, he didn't have a lock on his door. Never did.

 

Jaebum slowly pulled the box cutter from under his bed.

 

It was his final act, the one that would end it all. The shame, the embarrassment, him, this apathy.

 

He pressed the blade harshly to skin of his wrist, pulling back and watching the blood run thickly from his wrist. Interesting how blood  looked so thick but flowed out so easily. A study worthy of indulging, if he had the time.

 

But before he could continue on, a hand knocked the blade out.

 

Jinyoung stood in front of Jaebum, the rest of the members behind him, shock and empathetic looks flushed into their faces. Jinyoung had tears running down his, and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why.

 

"Why, Jaebum. Why?" He managed to croak out , quickly pulling off his scarf and wrapping it around the cut wrist.

 

"I-wha-" it was all too much, and Jaebum didn't really know what to say.

 

"It doesn't matter now, we just need to get him to a hospital, and now!" Jackson pushed Jinyoung away roughly , scooping up Jaebum in his arms and pushing the others out of the room. "We can find out later. Now out, quickly!"

 

The others quickly fled, dropping whatever bags they had and refilling into the car, their manager already in the drivers seat. By this point Jaebum had lost consciousness and was asleep.

 

The manager, who's posture look stiff and unnatural, asked what was wrong. Youngjae quickly filled him on the situation. He nodded and began driving. Bambam and Yugyeom looked on helplessly from the backseat, somehow still aware throughout the entire situation.

 

Mark was the only one who looked relatively, okay. Which actually mean that he was trying the hardest to keep it together.

 

Jaebum's breaths were labored and slow, which signaled to the rest of them that they were running out of time. But there was no way to increase the speed anymore. They were pushing 128 kmph(80mph), any more and the shabby van would fall apart.

 

The van screeched to a halt only 5 minutes later, a usual ten minute drive cut in half.

 

The hospital's sliding doors pushed open at the same moment that the van pulled up, the doors sliding open and Jackson's out, cradling Jaebum close as he met up with the doctors. They had a gurney and the elder was place on it, now semi-conscious.

 

The members followed until they were  restricted access, being forced to stay back in a secluded waiting room and well, wait.

 

Yugyeom was openly crying now, as Bambam hugged him tight,  soaking his shoulder with tears.

 

Jinyoung was sobbing as well, though he was silent and had his head turned away. The only indication was his soft hiccups and the occasional drips hitting his pants. Jackson and Mark looked almost identical in posture and the way their faces were set in a hardened gaze. What they were gazing at exactly was to each his own, but their hearts were aligned, all worried for a singular person.

 

Jaebum may not be the most outspoken, but seriously, they should have seen this coming. Jinyoung was at odds and ends with himself, as his stares slide from Yugyeom to Jackson, who by the way was covered in disconcerting amount of blood. Jinyoung didn't have the heart to tell  him"go change" but he seemed to get the message when he caught his gaze, leaving and returning minutes later with a fresh white shirt.

 

Seeing as the manager and CEO would visit mostly likely tomorrow, since they felt the members should be the ones spending time with him. He knew this because he'd gotten a call from them stating exactly that. That and he was in foreign country for a meeting, and wasn't due to be back until a few days.

 

 The room was tense and filled with a lingering sense of guilt. Everybody was blaming themselves, each other, but the truth was, none of them held the blame, really. Sure, Jaebum held the knife himself, and sure, the rest of Got7 should have seen this coming, but what if it was his collective experiences that had him suicidal? Could Jaebum be blamed for the anatomy of his brain, when in reality it was his world helped shape it?

 

Who was really at fault then?

 

Jinyoung didn't really have time to ponder it just then, since the doctor entered the room. He explained that since they(the members) intervened quickly, Jaebum's life had been easily saved. He would be allowed a quick recovery with time and rest. However, there was one more thing.

 

Something more? The room dropped buzzed with a few murmurs here and there, but nothing popped up in their minds, nothing as to what it could be.

 

"But only Park Jinyoung-sshi may hear this. He was the only one listed as a secondary contact, in case of emergencies. We've already alerted his parents. The others nodded, trusting Jinyoung to take of their leader and to keep them updated. It was obvious that they wanted to stay, but they respected their leader's decision to his own privacy.

 

After they filed out, the doctor, a man he now knew as Dr. Moon, turned to him after seeing the rest of Got7 out. "As you know, the mental state of Jaebum is not stable. We did a few physical exams; it indicated scars, and recent as 3 weeks, to far back as 4 years. Haven't you noticed anything strange, say, a change in behavior, or eating habits?"

 

Jinyoung knew exactly where this was going. Jaebum had the poker face of a mime. It was tough, trying to break through to his layers and getting to know him, but he done it.

 

Regrettably now, he hadn't been able to scope out his symptoms, since his friend was good at keeping his emotions from breaking through. Even he wasn't privy to Jaebum's innermost thoughts.

 

"No sir, I didn't." He turned away, ashamed. Tears threatened to escape from his eyes, but he wouldn't. Not here, not now.

 

Dr. Moon nodded, understanding. "It's not an easy thing to notice. Most people hide it very well, and I'm sure all of you, even Jaebum were too busy. Though that's not going to repair the damage done."

 

"Dr .Moon, even if you say that, I still feel like I betrayed him. I mean, I'm his closest confidant, yet he managed to slip it past my radar." The tears spilled over yet again, and he felt his mind throb at this fact. He hadn't noticed a thing.

 

Dr.Moon left awhile after that, his words more suited for relating knowledge, rather than comforting. Jinyoung manged to calm himself, but there was still that feeling of decrepit emptiness.

 

 

They could all go visit Jaebum now, per Dr.Moon, and so that's exactly what they all did.

 

The six of them, all  huddled around one hospital bed. If it wasn't for the heart monitors consistent beeps, they would've thought Jaebum dead. His face has  pale, porcelain pallor, and his skin felt  slightly chill to the touch. His breaths were barely noticeable, and Jinyoung found himself beginning to form some suspicions to his being so thin. "All those times when they went out to eat, when Mark and Jackson cooked for them, he never ate-" That should have been the most obvious sign, the most clear sign that something was wrong.

 

The monitor made a beep again, but something about this one had his eyes fixating on the bed. Jaebum's fingers twitched, and a moment later his eyes cracked open. The light was probably the reason that he was blinking so rapidly, but then Jinyoung realized that Jaebum's cheeks were wet. He was crying.

 

It seem like everybody was like this, spilling their tears easily.

 

Jaebum looked at loss for words, being hooked up to a machine and surrounded by his friends, his band-mates. It was no doubt overwhelming being confronted so soon after trying to kill yourself, but this was something they all need to discuss. Whether it'd be together, or individually.

 

His eyes closed again as he took a deep breaths to steady his breathing. He seemed to be deciding on something, opening his eyes once again, resignation filling his eyes.

 

"Is it okay if I just want to speak to Yugyeom for now? I'll work my way up, in age order to be fair."

 

They all looked confused, saved for Jinyoung who quickly gathered them all up, separating Yugyeom out. "Let's go. It'll be fine, just let them talk. We'll be outside the door anyway." He spoke in reply to Bambam's retorts. "Give them some space." He finally managed to get them all out, and shut the door behind them, leaving the group of men in the hall.

 

Inside, Yugyeom, the sinewy, 20-something-year-old sat in the chair next to Jaebum, and silently stared at his legs.

 

Jaebum reached over, carding his fingers through the maknae's hair, and sighed.

 

"There are some things I want to say. Though it's not going be easy. Do you still want to hear it?"

 

"The other nodded, still staring at his jeans, scratching the fabric a little."

 

"Okay."


	2. Yugyeom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yugyeom has something to say. Jaebum listens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, this is short, but that's just how it is. ^^

To Jaebum, it was like the fire within him hadn't completely died- like it wasn't now latching it's spindly hands on the closest human being, and slowly burning him too. The fire he held within himself was never a beneficial thing, but he dealt with it. All it’s overcritical tendencies, and harsh, imposing goals it set, but yeah, that was him.

Yugyeom, his face was hard to describe. It wasn’t difficult to see the tightness of his shoulders, the way his mouth was set in a hard line; its not a look becoming of someone so young.In fact it made him look years older, like a wise man staring right into his tomb.

It made Jaebum feel guilty for ruining his aura, removing the film off his content life and replacing it with the harsh reality- that people could both laugh and wish to perish simultaneously.

"Yugyeom-ah, come closer. Oh, and pass me that glass of water too, my throat is dry." The younger easily complies, scooting the chair closer and handing him the water. A small thud of the cup sounded, causing Yugyeom to flinch slightly.

"Give me your hand." The maknae looked somewhat surprised at this, as if it was something new, but it really wasn't. He couldn't count how many times he comforted Yugyeom in the past, and now today would be no different.

Yugyeom did so, but with slight hesitance. His eyes glanced down at the bandages around Jaebum's wrist, and he shuddered. It was wispy and soft, a tick of Yugyeom's that Jaebum particually liked, but at this point, couldn’t properly relish in. "Hyung, what did you want to tell me? I much rather you tell me n-"

"Does it make you uncomfortable, Yugyeom-ah? It's okay, I won't be upset." Jaebum interjected, completely cutting him off. Yugyeom's lips set into that hard line again, and suddenly enough, his hand enclosed the other's. He knew exactly what Jaebum was talking about. Leave it to him to address the elephant in the room. Correction, hospital room.

"Jaebum-hyung, I think you know exactly how this makes me feel." No that wouldn't do at all. He needed to hear it, for the words to be validated in the sterility of the air. He craved it.

"Tell me anyway." The maknae had this conflicted look, like his earlier rejection had been mostly due to sparing Jaebum's feelings, but since the older man had so clearly stated his desire to be hurt, it was like he'd no choice in the matter.

"You really want to know what I think? Hyung, I think it's stupid! Reckless! How could ever think of leaving us behind like this?! Why? Why did you decide that leaving was the correct decision?!" The heavy implications had tears building behind Yugyeom's eyes, but he continued. "How could you ever think of leaving me- God, why couldn't tell us you were in pain, we could've lessened your suffering- I hate you, I hate you-" Tears finally broke through, and Jaebum turned away. He couldn't stop it, but the guilt had wormed it's way through once again; just listening to Yugyeom sob quite flagrantly had his heart clenching painfully tight.

"Yugyeom-ah, I'm sorry. " He looked back at Yugyeom, and decidedly pulled the boy close, tucking Yugyeom's head into the crook of his neck.

"I'm really sorry. You're right, it was dumb of me to want to leave this wonderful family I've created. I can't believe what I've done." He was mostly babbling at this point, mostly because he could feel the Yugyeom's breath start to even out, but he pressed on. "I can't possibly apologize enough, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, I swear-"

"H-hyung, there's no need. Just get better. That's all I could ask for. Really, it's what we all want." It was muffled, because Yugyeom face was cradled in his chest, but he understood what he’d been conveying. 

Moments passed like this, with Yugyeom is his slightly awkward position, and Jaebum's hand in his hair, caressing the soft, brown strands.

Yugyeom seemed joyed with the attention- well as joyed as you could be with a friend who'd attempted suicide, but he tried no to let it dampen his spirit. Jaebum was here, not cold and lifeless, so he chose the focus on that, along with his hope for a safe recovery.

There was a knock on the door, and Jaebum let them in. Jinyoung peeked his head in, a smile quickly replacing his worried one. The other could be such a worry-wart, but he had pretty good reason to, even more so now.

"Done with your cat-fight, I see. Are you guys okay now?"

"Yeah. Um, could you send Bambam next? I'm sure there's something he'd like to say too."

The other nodded, watching as Yugyeom got up from their leader's arms and made for the door. "Hyung, don't forget what I said, okay? I mean it."

"Don't worry, I didn't." Jinyoung's face spoke of curiosity, but he didn't push the subject, instead letting Yugyeom pass, and calling out Bambam.

"I think I know why your doing it like this."

"Doing what?" Jaebum looked slightly bemused.

"Talking to us- I mean, you could've spoken to us altogether, but you decided to talk to us separately." Jinyoung was still blocking the door's entrance, even though Bambam had come up behind him and was patiently waiting. 

"If you know, I rather you don't speak it. Please, for my sake."

Jinyoung nodded and released the door so the younger man could enter. “It’s all we’ve ever been doing.” he whispered. 

There was too much vulnerability left in him. Jaebum couldn’t handle all their stares, and broken expectations. The only was to do it one by one.

As pitiful as that sounds, he needed this last bit of sanity to change. To try. To hope his life would turn out monumentally better in the end game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't be so mean. I'm not like that usually, but there are times that I can be unusually callous.
> 
> Keep in mind that this fic is meant to be short. Maybe, in the future, I'll write some side-fics in this universe.


	3. Reprieve ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum's home, and has decided to hog the bathroom. The remaining members decide to congregate in the kitchen, while Jinyoung is consumed by guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry to those who been waiting quite a bit for a new chapter.
> 
> I make no promises, but I will try to finish this fic cleanly.
> 
> On the other hand, enjoy.

For the bit of time that Jaebum was home, the last place he wanted to be was inside his room. Going to his room and secluding himself seemed like recipe for disaster. 

It probably was a disaster in there anyway.

He suspected that no one had cleaned up in there since that day, so he be walking in to something similar to a crime scene. Except he'd be investigating his own murder. 

He pulled Jinyoung over and asked him to get some clothes for him. He wanted to take a shower and clean up, and maybe relax on the living room couch, but he knew he'd have to clean it up someday. Jinyoung didn't particularly question his reluctance to enter his own room-- he probably knew it's state well enough.

The last thing he saw on Jinyoung's face before he closed the door was that of disgust and horror. He didn't blame the man. He would have reacted the same way, had he not been the cause of that mess.

Though, mulling over his situation like this, he found it wasn't as terrible as he expected it to be. It was a sort of disconnect, like it happened to someone else, but not him. He was pretty sure this wasn't healthy way of looking at things, but for the moment it seemed okay.

A few minutes later, Jinyoung came out of the room, tossing some clothes at him. A simple sweatpants, t-shirt, and a hoodie, as well as a few other necessities. You see, Jaebum and hoodies had a symbiotic relationship. What was it called again-- mutalistic to a great degree. They kept him comforted, and in turn enjoyed being used by him.

Ridiculous as it sounded out loud, in his head it made perfect sense; the same way you'd love a family pet, or a favorite book. They almost feel alive when you interacted with them-- and there was Jaebum getting sentimental, and overly philosophical about a inanimate object. He loved hoodies. That was the end of it.

He went to the bathroom, and pulled off his clothing, being careful not to rustle the bandages on his arms. He never actually got a good look at them--obviously not then, and certainly not now. Even when the nurses had been changing his bandages, not once did he glance at them. Was he afraid? That could be the understatement of the century. 

Afraid to see how close he'd gotten to ending his life.

Jinyoung probably knew. His parents too. They'd visited him as well, but he felt awkward and out of place. Jaebum wasn't ready to talk about it then. He'd been with them most of his life, but suddenly, when they were right in front of him, talking about what happened seem out of the question. It was like he was in a haze.

It was easier to talk to people he spent nearly 4 years with, than the ones who'd birthed him.

Wrong-- yes it seemed that way, but there was no way to explain it. He didn't hate them at all, but he just couldn't do it.

By time he phased out of his thoughts, the bathroom had already become thick with steam and heat. At some point, he'd turn the water on and let it run. He pushed on a knob, and turned it to a bath, because he assumed the bandages weren't to be wet, and that he'd have to stick his arms out of harm's way.

Except he needed to clean himself. Ugh, if he knew it's need this difficult to shower, he would've cut some place different. What a bother. He sat in the tub, reveling in the warmth.

That was a joke. It was definitely a joke, and an unfortunately morbid one at that. Since when was he in a good enough mood to be making jokes? He sank a little into the water, making sure to keep his arms out of the tub.

Now that he wasn't in the hospital, he felt a little more relaxed than usual. The hospital may have been clean and sterile, but that gave a whole new meaning to death. That means being there, and feeling like something is wrong with you, even though your perfectly healthly.

Not that Jaebum was calling himself healthy in anyway. He has problems, and they were tearing him apart. It would've succeeded too, if he hadn't been caught. Ugh, that left a bad taste in his mouth.

At the moment, he wasn't particularly suicidal. In movies, most people are after an attempt. Distraught at the thought of living-- then there are those who are not. 

He was in the middle. Suicidal, but not.

A few knocks on the door jolts him out of his thoughts.

"Hello!, Jaebum?! ARE YOU THERE?!" Bambam's loud voice reverberates, bouncing off bathroom's thick walls.

"Um, uh YEAH." He responds, less enthusiastically.

"OH, OKAY. HURRY UP THEN! JACKSON'S GETTING ANTSY CAUSE HE HASN'T SHOWERED IN A FEW DAYS!" Bambam finishes. Further, in the distance, Jaebum can barely make out a faint "Am not!" 

A breathy chuckle escapes his lips. No surprise there, with Bambam teasing Jackson-- he felt a little fuzzy hearing it, although it did happen at Jackson's expense. It almost seemed like nothing had changed.

It feels like ages when he finally does finish the bath, he feels refreshed, though a slight bit cold as well. Goosebumps roll over his skin, causing a slight throbbing pain to tingle through his arms. Doesn't he have painkillers for this?

After a little bit, he decided against taking pills. Jaebum figured he had enough of those for now. What he really needed was some time to recover and let reality sink in gently. Since the couch was empty, it was the perfect opportunity to sink into some nice soft cushions and sleep-- He was out.

 

In the kitchen, the remaining members had convened, a few helping with dinner while the others conversed in soft spoken voices.

"There's so much we don't know. That we didn't know." Youngjae sighs, propping his head up on the table.

A collective oppression settles over the room. Jinyoung stirs a pot in silence, unconsciously bitting his lower lip repeatedly-- a tick that usually meant he was deep in thought.

It's the first time since the incident that They've actually spoken collectively, though no one seems to have anything to say. Or maybe it was more accurate to say they they were tongue-tied.

It wasn't until Jaebum was delicately slipping through their fingers that they realized how much they really needed him.

How much he needed them. Letting it go on for so long and not seeing the signs, not doing anything about it; one could only regret the decisions they made before, not change them.

Yugyeom had left the room to check on Jaebum-- he entered the kitchen again a few minutes later. "He's sleeping on the couch."

Even with that, the room was still silent. It's seemed that hardly any one of them knew what to say, or what to do now that Jaebum was home.

Mark stood up, sitting closer to the rest of the group. "Well, the least we can do is help him. Support him the best we can."

A murmur of agreement rumbled through the room. Seems as though the usually rowdy, talkative bunch had little to say when faced with a situation like this. 

Jinyoung chewed his lip a little harder than necessary, still at lost for words. He wanted to say something, but his voice wouldn't come unstuck.  
His mind was replaying back the memories like an old film reel; the glint of the blade, the desperate fear, the blood, oh the blood, oh god the blood--he switched off the stove and rushed out the room. Faintly he heard the sound of someone calling out his name, but the buzzing noise was blocking it-- he had to get there, to clean it up, to fix it to-

He was halfway up the stairs when a hand yanked on his arm. Jinyoung, he tipped back ever so slightly. Falling back on-- he looked up. It was Yugyeom. His mania temporarily halted, he lingered for a few moments, unsure what to make of the situation.

Yugyeom. His eyes held worry and pain, so rich and black it was abysmal. Some of that worry was probably for him. Some for Jaebum. He didn't know what else was troubling Yugyeom-- so much so that his face would be oozing it indefinitely. It was too much, staring into his eyes like that, seeing things he shouldn't. Jinyoung wondered if his own eyes held anything of importance. He hoped it didn't, though it was highly unlikely.

 

Further down the stairs, Jackson, Youngjae, Bambam, and Mark slowly ascended. They said nothing, only giving him a brief pat/rub on the back before making their way up.

Yugyeom then explained that the others had gone up to clean Jaebum's room, and that it was best if he didn't try to help them. "Hyung, why don't you go sleep? You look exhausted, with your eye bags drooping like that."

He nodded, afraid to speak because of the reignited nerves swimming through his body. He made his way up the stairs, breezing straight past Jaebum's room and into his own, locking the door.

Sleep would be nice, if he wasn't so tense. His earlier anxiety had return with full force. He slid down the back of the door and stared into the darkness, pulling his knees up.

The scene replayed in his head once again, feeling like some kind of nightmare instead of a horrible memory.

The guilt was there. It was so tangible and hard, the physical weight of the chains dragging his body down like a sack of cannoballs.

He could've stopped it, had he come in time.

Had he known.

They were supposed to be friends. They are friends aren't they? Why couldn't he erase the guilt-- he done his part as a friend-- was it because he hadn't stopped it in time? That if he hadn't froze up for that one second, Jaebum couldn've avoided a hospital visit all together?

Frozen as he watched the blade sink right into Jaebum's wrist. Pupils dialating as the blood gush out like a gutter after a rainstorm-- thick, red, and slippery. It wasn't difficult to remember where he'd seen that before. That strong metallic, miasma of smells, the unwelcome memories.

He was once the same as Jaebum.

He rubbed his eyes, shuffling over to the bed and wrapping himself in the thick comforter after unlocking his room door. Closing off his friends was not a good idea right now, as much as he wanted too.

He too had secrets.

Being honest, he hadn't taken look at them in good while. Being so busy with promotions, variety shows and ceaseless extracurricular activities just didn't grant him enough time to do much of anything before now.

They were thick and lumpy, all the lines running horizontally over his arm. The lumpy ones had been the deepest. The thin ones were barely there, like forgotten, faded tattoos. They were shallow cuts.

He wasn't as lucky as Jaebum. 

No one ever came for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking about getting a beta reader. Is this a good idea? Any thoughts or comments, things I should know?

**Author's Note:**

> I think I'm going to change this up. From now on, every chapter after the first will detail the recovery period after hospitalization. 
> 
> Thanks.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bleeding Scars](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12590280) by [Kiiyah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiiyah/pseuds/Kiiyah)




End file.
